Come What May
by paperskies
Summary: You have moments, moments that you capture and treasure. Keep close to your heart and protected. And these moments....make sure to never let them go. MerDer
1. Pink and Black

_Alright a new story, except this one is more like a series of one shots though these first few updates are not but anyway as the story progress the madness that I'm talking about will make sense. So heres the first part, hope you enjoy. _

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The Wedding-Part 1

**_Heads up damage control_**

* * *

****_Good luck you know you better go and get it  
Cause love is never in the same place that you left it  
He said good luck you know you better go and get her  
Cause love is never in the same place if you left her_

* * *

I hate weddings. Any weddings. Weddings in general. But this particular wedding well it was in a league of its own. It could have turned out to be the wedding that changed my whole opinion on weddings. But there was just one factor that made me want to bury my head under a pillow. It's not that I'm against the act of getting married, it's a wonderful idea…but weddings I have never enjoyed, especially big ones. So I thought I would have a fellow comrade in my crusade against the avoidance of weddings. Cristina didn't seem like the 'till death do us part' type but here she was…planning the biggest bash I've ever seen. Well it's really her mum planning it all but it's not like Cristina is protesting to anything. She's double crossed me…and in more ways than one. That's a lot of ramblings about weddings but it has does have a point. The reason that I'm dreading this wedding more than any other is because…Derek Shepherd is standing up as Burke's best man.

Derek Shepherd! The man who I haven't seen in five years…was going to be standing across from me at Burke and Cristina's bloody wedding. How could Cristina do that! How could she let Burke pick Derek out of all people. She is either messed up in the head or has no consideration for my feelings….and I'm going with the latter. The weird things is…Derek and Burke are great friends, terrific friends! Which is scary since Derek has lived across the country for most of that friendship. What do they say…absence makes the heart grow fonder…SERIOUSLY! Derek even comes back to Seattle to visit Burke….and I make it my own business to be out of town at that particular time, well mostly I just pretend not to be home and blackmail Burke into saying I'm tied up with work or away. Works seamlessly. Very lucky he never comes to do consults other wise I'd be in real trouble.

I tried to explain to Cristina that there must me something suss about Burke and Derek's friendship…I was bordering on calling it a relationship…but Cristina just raised an eyebrow at me and shook her head. She had seen through my ploy, of course I knew there was nothing fishy between the two men, I was just clutching at straws, even straws that weren't there, in a hope that the inevitable meeting would somehow be called off.

But alas, here I now stood, in my sleek, expensive red dress watching on as Izzie put the last pin into Cristina's hair. I don't think Cristina could care less but her mother wanted the wedding to look like you were seeing it in Vogue magazine. Just as the bride was about to run her hand through the carefully placed work of art out of habit, Izzie's hand swatted it out of the way, causing Cristina to roll her eyes and glower. I think I was more nervous than Cristina was. I had managed to avoid Derek the whole time the wedding plans had been going on. He hadn't been able to make it to the engagement party (so sad, to bad) and the rehearsal dinner…I…erm…had a very convenient surgery. I had actually stolen in off Bailey but sssshhh nobody was to know.

"Alright I'm sick of this, lets just go" Cristina declared as she stood abruptly and straightened her dress, her hands nervously running over the material. AHA! So Cristina wasn't all steel, she actually cared about what she looked like on her wedding day, well what'd do ya know. Izzie smiled at her brightly, she seemed to be the only one happy with the whole affair. Any excuse to play dress ups was good enough for her.

"Not yet!" I squeaked in a voice I hardly recognised as mine. Cristina and Izzie exchanged a look before moving towards me and taking me by both elbows.

"It will be fine Mer, just take deep, reassuring breaths and smile" Cristina said to me calmly though I could hear a trace of laughter running through the sentence. They were all so understanding of my dilemma.

"Shouldn't I be saying that to you?" I asked her, trying to distract myself as we came neared to the hotel room door. We had to go and report to Cristina's mother a few doors down for the final inspection before heading out to the garden for the ceremony.

"Yes, but this is my best try at supportive bride so don't wreak it"

Oh snap.

* * *

I fiddled with the cuffs of my jacket, doing the button up then popping it out again. It was something to keep me occupied. Anyone passing would have thought I was the flustered groom instead of the best man. Burke was standing beside me and at least he looked calm, even if it was the complete opposite on the inside. Shifting my weight from foot to foot I glanced at George who was watching me with amusement. Damn him. They both knew exactly why I was jumpy and neither was going to help me. I could tell. They would just watch on and enjoy the show.

"It's going to fall off any minute now Derek" Burke said, raising an eyebrow in the direction of my sleeve. Scowling slightly I did up the button a final time, unamused by the looks the other two men were conveying to each other as I tried to find something else to occupy my hands with.

I took a step and snatched a leaf off a small tree nearby, proceeding to twirl it between my fingers. Five years! Five years since I'd seen Meredith. Five years since I left for New York with my pregnant wife. Oh how complicated that had turned out and how I wished I could take it all back. Who knows how Meredith felt about me now. She probably despises me, even though I remember clearly her ordering me to leave Seattle.

If only I had ignored her.

New York was hell. Going back only heightened my hate for it. But I'd left it behind now. What would Mer say when I told her I was moving back to Seattle, would she even give me chance to speak with her. The leaf was starting to crumble from my ceaseless movement until finally George plucked it from my hand.

"Calm down Dr Shepherd, anyone would think you were still in love with her" George said grinning smugly at the small laugh Preston tried to hide behind a cough. I was not enjoying the all knowing looks going on between the two

During this time guest had filed in and I gazed uneasily at all the people sitting before us. There was quite a few from the hospital, most who I hadn't seen since I had left Seattle behind me. Richard gave me a small nod and smile while Bailey sitting next to him was staring hard, scrutinizing me, and it left me feeling very small and defenceless. The woman still unnerved me. I let my eyes travel away from them to a young girl of about three racing down the middle isle only to have the easy gait of a tall man catch up with her in seconds. He scooped up her giggling form and swung her slightly as they retreated back to their seats.

Suddenly Burkes father was standing beside us and I had to concentrate on him instead of the stranger, thinking I'd have to ask Burke who he was later.

"Everyone is ready, we can start now if your good to go" He said, his eyes flitting around to make sure nothing was missing. Burke started to nod his head but I suddenly heard a squeak of a voice that I didn't recognize as my own speak up "Not yet!"

The three other men turned to look at my scared expression with raised eyebrows before they all broke out into grins. Burke's hand came out to clap me on the shoulder.

"Buck up Derek, just smile and you'll be fine"

I nodded mutely as my hands self consciously reached up to fix my tie while we all took our places. Why did this all seem strangely backwards.


	2. It's Beginning To Get To Me

_**You'll Be The Pain**  
_

* * *

_We need to feel breathless with love_  
_ And not collapse under its weight_  
_ I'm gasping for the air to fill_  
_ My lungs with everything I've lost_

* * *

Can you say awkward? Standing two meters away from him and having to gaze straight ahead was absolute torture. We were surrounded by people and couldn't face each other but it was still uncomfortable as hell. But I couldn't even stare at him properly! Five years without seeing his face and all I got was two seconds to make eye contact before I had to stand at attention. Maybe that's why I kinda ogled at him the whole time they were taking the wedding pictures afterwards. Oh God I do not want to see those. 

But those two seconds…made me feel like puking. Seriously, my stomach flipped so much I nearly had to double over and empty its contents. Blue, his eyes were so blue. The color drove me insane now. It was a very hard color to avoid, seeing as that's the color of the sky and all, but boy did I try. Especially men with blue eyes, they never were the same as his but they gave off enough of a likeness that I just wanted to scream in their face…lucky I didn't. That would have been weird and slightly mad.

But slightly mad seemed to have attached itself to my person and it couldn't be loosened. It had cloaked me since the night he left. And today it was out in full force. Whose that crazy bridesmaid? The one sitting underneath the table? I could imagine the talk…because that's where I wanted to be right now. Sitting underneath the table instead of at it.

A server cam forward, placing a glass of champagne in front of each member of the wedding party. I stared at it in slight disgust. Right now, with him sitting two seats down from me, champagne really wasn't my ideal choice of poison. Suddenly a shot glass full to the brim with tequila was placed next to the other drink and my disapproving frown turned into a slow smile of glee. I turned to raise an inquisitive eyebrow at Cristina who was grinning slightly, with that annoying 'I know all' look, except this time it didn't seem to bother me as much.

"You get one at the beginning, one in the middle and one at the end…to satisfy the cravings" She informed me, picking up her own glass of champagne.

"Thank you…..but are you sure? You know what happens when I drink tequila" I said sceptically. It probably wasn't really that great of an idea. You know, with the porny-ness and my habit to get naked with inappropriate men whenever I drank it. Oh and not to mention the fact that Derek was also in the room. I would class him as inappropriate. Yeah, definitely not a great idea.

But when was I ever one to listen to that part of my brain, the part that told me not to go through with the stupid ideas. When it came to debating, that part was hopeless.

"Just drink it…see this," Cristina said waving her glass slightly in my face" this is all I'll be getting for the rest of the night, nobody likes a drunken bride" Her smile was wry but bordering on the look of annoyed as she took a sip "You've got to have the fun for the both of us"

I shrugged my shoulders and let my fingers slip around the small cool glass. Was it bad that just that action sent a wave of comfort through me? Maybe I should steer clear of the bars for a little while. But on second thoughts, no. It was only because he was here. He ruined everything, drove me insane, turned me into a nervous wreak on my best friends wedding day. I hadn't dared looked in his direction down the table yet. I brought the shot glass to my lips, smiling bemusedly at Cristina over the top.

"He's looking at you, you know" She said, sending a fleeting look to her right as I tipped my head back to down the alcohol "Probably for a good five minutes"

Glancing at her as I settled the glass back down onto the table I finally let my eyes move further down the table, past Cristina and Burke, who was leaning back in his chair laughing, to finally meet his own.

Dammit! That was a bad idea. Now the tequila wants a way out. This flippity floppity stomach has got to stop. What happens when I have to talk to him. Oh God…I have to talk to him. It will be a disaster, I'll stutter and slur and probably throw up all over his shoes. Yep he'll be crawling back. Wow I suck.

"I feel like vomiting every time I look at him" I muttered to Cristina out of the corner of my mouth, though despite my words, I can't tear my gaze away. Pulling a face of disgust Cristina turned her head slightly to glance at him again. "I still don't see how you could be still hung up over him" She said, causing me to finally look away and glare at her disapprovingly. What did she know, she wasn't in love with Derek Shepherd, she didn't know how hard it was to fall out of love with him.

"Because his eyes freaking twinkle!" I hissed, crossing my arms in front of me and slumping down in my seat. I'd have to avoid him, it was the only answer.


	3. You'll Be The Pain

_**You'll Be The Pain**  
_

* * *

_She rings like a bell through the night_  
_ And wouldn't you love to love her_  
_ She rules her life like a bird in flight_  
_ And who will be her lover _

* * *

Cristina was looking at me. I didn't want Cristina looking at me. I wanted Meredith. In every sense of the word. Cristina's small smile was all to smug for my liking so instead I looked out over the other tables. I spotted the tall man with the little girl again, he was at a table with Alex and Callie, talking animatedly to Alex about something or other while the other man folded a paper napkin into something that was making the little girl's face light up with anticipation. Ha, man of many talents. What did they used to call him…evil spawn. I wonder if it's still stuck. But I didn't like the guy he was talking to whoever he was. 

"Hey, George" I said softly, turning to the man on my right "Whose that guy, with the little kid?" I asked, nodding my head in the direction of the table.

"Oh him" George said glancing to where I'd indicated, a slow amused smile spreading across his face. I didn't like it. It was the smile you got when you had a secret everyone else wanted to know, the one you couldn't hold in, that you just had to let out to infuriate the people in the dark. "That's Will"

"That's all I get?" I said, staring at him unbelievingly when he didn't go on.

"Only guy whose ever been able to wrap Cristina around his little finger. How else do you think a kid made its way into her wedding. Tilly has her eating out of her hand to"

"And how do you know him"

"Ermm well, I'll be back in a minute" George said suddenly pushing his chair back and jumping up.

"What! George no!...George!" But he had already backed away and was crossing the lawn to enter the hotel.

Great, just great. That did nothing to calm my anxieties. You see, I had this policy. When I was around, Burke and Cristina were not allowed to mention Meredith. Nothing. Not a word. About what she was doing, who she was with, or what she was planning to do. So basically, the last 5 years of Meredith Grey's life were dark to me. And I think the same policy applied was used by her.

When I left nothing was said. I was with my wife, who I was planning to stay with and have a child, I couldn't ask Meredith to wait for me. It was the end. Nothing was to continue after that. But I guess some things just weren't meant to be….a.k.a McDreamy and Satan (yes I was back to labeling her as the devil again). That was definitely not meant to be, that whole situation should have been left alone. But it wasn't. I had to do the 'right' thing. What a load of crap.

But the point is Meredith had no reason at all to wait for me. Because I wasn't meant to be coming back. So she could have moved on, hell the man I was currently staring holes through could be her husband. And the little girl…could quite possibly be her daughter.

Something was stirring inside of me. A feeling that had been dormant for the most part of my life. Was it?...could it be?...jealousy. I had a sneaking suspicion that it was. What else made you feel sick to the stomach of the thought that Meredith Grey had a child that wasn't your own. Or that right now, instead of making eye contact with me, she was grinning at the man across the wide space while he smiled lazily and winked. Oh yes my friends, jealousy it was.

Right now, I was hit with the realization of how long 5 years really was.

"You know your going to have to dance with her" George seemed to appear out of no where to flop down on the chair beside me again. I felt like ignoring him, a little pay back for the disappearing stunt he'd just pulled. But what he was saying was to important for me to turn a blind eye to. The thought that I'd actually get a chance to hold Meredith in my arms again had been had been floating above me like the greatest temptation, waiting for me to grab it. And I did. And the feelings those thoughts released were overwhelming.

"Do you really think she's going to accept if I ask" I said. I was looking at the worse case scenario. Utter rejection. The odds of her agreeing were remarkably slim so I did everything to dampen my own hopes.

"She has to, when Burke and Cristina go up to dance so do the best man and maid of honor. Unless she actually runs off, she has no choice"

The hopes that I'd been trying to push away soared to greater heights. Suddenly George had my full attention.

"Does Meredith know this?" I asked warily. No sooner had the words left my mouth a choking sound could be heard from the other end of the table. George and I both leaned forward to see Meredith pulling the champagne glass from her lips and trying to swallow the mouthful that she'd taken, while Izzie looked on, biting her lip worriedly though the corners of her eyes were crinkled in amusement.

"She does now" George stated simply, smiling as Meredith's eyes darted down to shoot me an accusing look, as though I had planned the whole thing deliberately. Oh how I wished I had been so clever.

"Rule or not, I still don't think she's going to buy it" Images of her dodging around me and running into the arms of the tall, dark and handsome Will flashed through my head, causing my mouth to curl downwards into a bitter scowl. George shrugged and I wished I could have his indifference. It only occurred to me then that George had been in a similar situation. In love with Meredith while she fell for someone else. I could ask him he handled it but thought it might be just a little cruel, namely since I was the man she had been falling for. Wow I sound self important.

It seemed an age before Burke and Cristina finally stood up and walked out onto the dance floor. I noted Cristina's look of disgust she threw back at Meredith as she followed Burke, which Meredith replied to with a small gloating smile only to have it vanish as her eyes landed on me again. It wasn't the ideal start.

**  
Oh life can be strange  
Good and bad in so many ways  
And in time you will find  
That things are not always what they seem**

As the song started I stood with George but didn't follow him as he walked down the table and pulled Izzie out onto the floor. Meredith had remained sitting in her chair and it didn't look like she had any intention to move.

And neither did it seem, did I.

I had seized up, completely. Could not take a step towards her. Because this step was a big one. She could yell, she could scream, she could throw something at me. They were all possible events. And I didn't have the guts to find out which one it would be.

So I stood, with one hand turning white as it clasped the back of my chair, and watched her. It was an addiction. An addiction I had been without for years. Just watching her made new energy course through me, made my chest swell until it seemed to want to burst, made me see nothing else but her. You could imagine how hard it had been at the hospital, being accosted by all these feelings when I rounded a corner to see her a few feet away. Though this time, after so long a separation, these feelings were so fresh and strong it almost ached. Scratch that, it did ache. Having her so close but not having that tiny bit of courage to go up and ask a simple question. Right now, I really hated myself.

It was seeing the tall figure of Will stand from his table that finally propelled by feet forward, even before I had told them to. He couldn't reach her first, wasn't allowed. I wouldn't let him steal these few precious moments.

All to soon I had crossed the small space between our chairs and was standing rigidly beside her. My tongue felt like lead in my mouth. A hunk that was heavy and slow moving so that it seemed like any word I uttered would be slurred and rough.

"Mer…"

**  
Well I've got something to say  
But you might laugh, joke or run away  
Coz I'm awkward and nervous  
Sometimes I don't say much at all  
**

It was all I could get out. Anything else and I would have made a complete fool of myself. So instead I offered her my hand.

It was such a complex gesture. The thoughts and feelings behind it were enormous. And the reply was of the utter most importance . Everything fell behind this gesture. I was putting myself on the line. Meredith could either take it, or brush it away and walk towards her husband/boyfriend/person who potentially stood in the way of something beautiful. Have I mentioned yet that I don't like him much.

She stared at it for a long time, or at least it felt like it to me. It was long enough that my stomach started to churn and I felt like drawing back and shoving my hands deep into my pockets. But I didn't. And after a moment she slowly reached up and placed her hand in mine. It was feather soft at first, hardly there, but as she stood it became firmer and I found the courage to gently curl my fingers around hers.

I expelled one large breath that I had been holding and the relieved sigh that came out with it was noticeable. The corners of Meredith's mouth twitched but she ignored it and just followed a pace behind me until we stood in the middle of the dance floor.

**  
But if the rain must fall  
If I lose it all  
If the world comes down and takes any soul  
If the sky turns black  
And there's no, no way back  
It won't matter much to me  
If I had you  
All I need is your love  
That's all I need  
All I need is your love  
**

By the time that we actually made it out onto the decking they had set up on the lawns as the dance floor other couples had already joined in and it made me feel a little more comfortable, we weren't the center of attention, nobody had an excuse to gawk at us. For that I was thankful.

It was awkward at first. Her hand was still in mine and for a moment we just stood facing each other, Meredith's eyes firmly trained at the top of my tie. She wouldn't raise them to meet my own. However, she did lift one hand to slide up onto my shoulder and it spurred me into action. I quickly took a hesitant step forwards, a tentative arm reaching out to gently curl around her waist.

We weren't standing as close as I would have liked but Meredith had deliberately put space between us and right now she was very much in control of the situation.

I was finding it difficult to get the words I needed to say out. I had to work around my closed up throat. This had never happened around Meredith before, I had never been properly struck dumb. I normally had something quick to say, something to break the ice…normally I would still manage to smile at her. But tonight, she hadn't given me the chance. But how do you start a conversation after five years.

**  
Oh well dreams can come true  
if you know inside you really want them to  
or you can sit you can wait  
You can leave your fate in someone else's hands  
Oh but I, I want you  
**

I swallowed heavily, taking strength from the warmth I felt at being close to her. I felt warm and mushy. Urgh.

"Mer, I-"

"It's a great wedding isn't it. Cristina's mom really pulled out all the stops"

I blinked slightly as she continued to ramble on. She had cut me off. Just as I had been able to force the words through my lips, she had cut me off. I felt her tremble slightly in my arms and instinctively pulled her a little bit closer. She was avoiding the conversation I was needing to have, filling in the silence with trivial things about dresses and cakes. Her eyes remained firmly tracked on my right shoulder but I could still seem them, pooled with anxiety and misery.

**  
And nothing else can make me feel the way you do  
So I'm waiting, I'm wishing  
That it's me you'll be holding tonight and every night  
**

"Meredith" I say softly, a little firmer this time. She stopped her chatter about the lights and shifted a little underneath my hold. I leaned forward slightly, taking in the familiar smell of lavender as she automatically leaned into me. "I'm moving back to Seattle"

Almost immediately she stood rigidly straight, staring straight at me. Emotions flashed across her face but I couldn't read any of them. She pulled away from me and instantly I missed the warmth, wanted to wrap my arms around myself and grieve the absence of her body. The emotion her eyes finally settled on, as they stared straight into mine, was anger.

"With your wife and kid" She hissed through her teeth, backing away from me.

"No, Mer hang on" I cursed myself of not telling her about the divorce first. Stupid Derek, incredibly stupid.

**  
But if the rain must fall  
If I lose it all  
If the world comes down and takes any soul  
If the sky turns black  
And there's no, no way back  
It won't matter much to me  
**

But she had already started moving through the other couple to the edge of the dance floor where Will was standing. My mouth dropped open and my heart fell to the floor in pieces as I watched her reach up and bring the other mans lips to hers.

**  
If I had you  
All I need is your love  
That's all I need  
All I need is your love**  



	4. All We Need Is Now

_Alright I'm going away for a couple of days so I thought I'd post this to get you through. Hopefully it will clear a few things up.**  
**_

* * *

_**All We Need Is Now**_

* * *

_Things don't stop and the others announced they're moving on  
Salt and tears in the minds in the mouths of a bad decision  
Too late for another mistake it's bringing me down  
With all your faults it isn't your fault  
What's going on_

* * *

Meredith weaved through the other couples on the dance floor, meeting Will on the edge. He was her date for the evening. "Go with it" She muttered softly to him before pulling his head down so she could kiss him. As they separated Meredith scrunched her nose and made a quiet gagging noise 

"That was beyond disgusting"

"Liar" Will said with a smile, swinging an arm around her shoulders as they wandered towards the table that Alex,Izzie, Callie and George occupied. "I'm irresistible, you've always wanted me"

"Not with that cocky attitude" Meredith said in disgust, slapping the back of her hand against his gut, hitting hard abs. He really was a player through and through. A pink blur came out of no where and launched itself into Meredith's arms as she bent down to catch her.

"Hello Meri, you look real pretty" The four year old said, bouncing happily in her arms.

"Thank You Tilly, you look beautiful to"

"I wanted to wear my fairy wings but daddy stole them off me and hid them"

"Boo to him" Meredith said smiling as Tilly pouted at Will who glowered back. If you looked at him, William Parker looked nothing like a father, nor did it look like he should be one. He didn't look his 32 years and with a charming grin and smoldering dark eyes, attracted women in the masses. He had been a notorious ladies man all through high school and college. Until he met Sara Bryant, who stopped him in his tracks. It was a whirlwind relationship up until the end. About a year into it Sara became pregnant and they planned to marry after the baby was born, no second thoughts or hesitation. They were in love and naïve, thought themselves invincible and didn't think about consequences. Nobody could stop them, not even the wrath of both sets of parents who waged a war to end the relationship. The only one who supported them was Meredith, who had seen the way Will would bend over backwards for Sara, something he'd never done before for any girl. They were only still testing the waters of being free from college but convinced themselves they could do it.

Sara miscarried and it was a blow to the young couple but they stuck by each other, proving to everyone, even the most doubtful, that they were in it for real. The wedding went ahead and a few years later the little stick turned blue again.

Two weeks after Tilly was born, Sara's car was hit by a SUV, drilling straight into the drivers side. The baby girl was alright, emerging with just a few scratches and bruises and a small scar for life on the palm of her hand. Will had remained shut in his room for a week, with Meredith basically living in his apartment, taking care of Tilly. When he finally showed himself he looked haunted but relapsed into his old ways, of breaking hearts and one night stands. Except now, that all came second to his role of being a father, which he took on with a fierce passion. He'd suffered loss twice but still stood strong and Meredith was in awe of him for that.

"Why were you kissing daddy? It was icky"

"It sure was" Meredith agreed with a firm nod "But daddy owes Meri so he had to go along with it"

"What does he owe you for?"

"Babysitting a little terror like you" Tilly giggled as Meredith handed her over to Will and collapsed into a chair next to Alex. The evening had hardly begun and already she was exhausted.

* * *

The afternoon had turned to night, the garden lit up by candles and soft, glowing lamps. White lanterns were strung up in the trees, adding to the warm atmosphere. Derek had heard the little girl, Tilly, describe it as fairyland and it did look like something magical. He had watched her and Meredith, puzzled about their relationship. She didn't act like her mother, more like an big sister or cousin, playing with her and swinging her around the dance floor. They didn't look a like either. Tilly had dark brown hair like her father, and her eyes were a sparkling blue-gray, a color he couldn't match to Meredith or Will. But there was something about them, how comfortable they were around the other and the obvious love for the child that Meredith had made his hopes sink to his shoes. 

They were sitting at the edge of the pool that framed one side of the garden, Meredith and Izzie with there dresses hiked up and there feet dangling in the water, with Will on the edge, leaning back on the palms of his hands with Tilly sprawled asleep across his lap. The floating candles spread across the water cast a glow over Meredith's hair, turning it light and golden as it moved in and out of the light. She looked so childishly happy, grinning widely with her feet lightly splashing, not caring at all about the expensive dress on her form. On the table next to him lay a disposable camera, there was 3 on every table, ready for use. Picking it up Derek focused it on Meredith, wanting to capture the moment forever. Because scenes like that you wanted to cherish, they were fleeting, uncommon, but when they did come around they were absolutely breath taking. The only tarnish was that he wasn't sitting beside her, with his fingers curled around her own.

**You only stay with me in the morning.  
You only hold me when I sleep  
I was meant to tread the water  
But now I've gotten in too deep**

He didn't want to just sit there watching. He wanted to be in on it. Wanted to be with her, sharing these moments. It all came back to the fact that he wanted Meredith. Screw Will, Derek thought as he stood up. This was his chance and he was going to take it, husband or not.

Love. He was in love with her.

**For every piece of me that wants you  
Another piece backs away**

Meredith felt the presence behind her but didn't look around until she felt Izzie's nudge and soft touch on her shoulder. Derek was standing there looking incredibly nervous, his eyes flitting across to Will every now and then. A lump immediately formed in Meredith's throat as she gazed at him. His jacket and tie were gone, leaving him just in a crisp white shirt and black pants which his hand were buried into the pockets. The light spilled out behind him, accentuating his broad shoulders and dark hair. Even Izzie was sneaking glances.

Meredith wondered where Addison and his child were, surely they would have come with him. Thinking about his family made her anger from before rise again. Derek must have seen the change in her expression and one foot moved back slightly, shifting his body away from her. That's right, retreat, Meredith thought as her eyes narrowed at him. But Derek's eyes held a determined glint in them and the way they were firmly tracked on her was making Meredith's resolve crumble.

**You give me something  
That makes me scared alright  
This could be nothing  
But I'm willing to give it a try  
Please give me something  
Because someday I might know my heart**

"Meredith" Derek said in a low hushed tone, making her resist the urge to shiver. Squaring his shoulders he continued with a little more confidence than before "Dance with me, please"

It was the soft pleading sound that he said the word please with that made Meredith slowly withdraw her feet from the water and rise up to her full height.

"Ok"

**You only waited up for hours  
Just to spend a little time alone with me  
And I can say I've never bought you flowers  
I can't work out what they mean**

This time he held her just that little bit closer, just a little tighter but it was with the greatest care, like he was so scared he was going to break her. Like she would shatter into a million pieces. Derek knew he had already done that, broken her completely and that now she was finally fixed, was whole again. And he couldn't screw up the second time.

**I never thought that I'd love someone  
That was someone else's dream**

Right now, Meredith could concentrate on nothing but Derek. Last dance she had distracted herself with other things, things surrounding her. But this time it was Derek that surrounded her, his voice, his smell, his arms, his warmth…and she couldn't escape it. It was overwhelming and overpowering, leaving her light headed and giddy. She gripped his shoulder a little bit harder, stopping herself from letting it slide down and rest on his chest. Old habits die hard.

**You give me something  
That makes me scared alright  
This could be nothing  
But I'm willing to give it a try  
Please give me something  
Because someday I might call you from my heart**

While Meredith had been concentrating on getting her breathing to return to normal her other hand had moved up around to the back of his neck without her noticing, her fingers tangling in the hair at the nape of his neck. It caused Derek's breath to hitch and he could no longer stop himself from pulling her that final distance towards him, so that once again there bodies were melded together. The wave of emotion that hit him now that he held her this close nearly knocked Derek off his feet and he dropped his head lower so that his cheek rested against her own. She was his anchor, keeping him upright.

**But it might be a second too late  
And the words that I could never say  
Are gonna come out anyway**

"I missed you…I've missed you every day for the past five years" Derek whispered softly into her ear. His stumble rubbed lightly against Meredith's skin and her head came forward to rest against Derek's shoulder. It became a game of who could hold onto the other tightest, clinging desperately to the other incase what they thought what happening would just melt away into nothing.

**You give me something  
That makes me scared alright  
This could be nothing  
But I'm willing to give it a try  
Please give me something**

"I'm not…I'm not married anymore" His hand came up into Meredith's line of vision, showing that a ring no longer remained. It caused her to draw back, stepping out if his warm embrace, retreating a distance. Derek shook his head again and took a step closer "I'm not" he repeated, hoping to see her face light up with understanding but instead all he saw was her eyes filling up with tears.

"Meredith don't…" But she was turning away from him, once again running away through the other couples, away from him. But this time he went after her. "Meredith…Mer!"

She bolted around the corner of a tree and he followed. They came to a dead end, a shadowy little pocket of grass surrounded by trees and flowers, with a wooden slatted bench in the corner. It was only slightly lit, just enough to make out each others features in the darkness but nothing more. But he could still easily see the tears as they tracked down her face.

"Meredith, don't run away" Derek said defeatedly, his arms hanging limply by his side.

"What the hell Derek!" Meredith said in an chocked voice, though he caught the anger behind it "You just walk in here, tell me nice things, tell me your divorced…" A tear dripped from her chin and he watched it fall in what seemed slow motion until it disappeared into the murky darkness at their feet "What do you expect me to do!"

She stared at him hard, her bottom lip trembling slightly but Derek remained silent, scared that he would make it worse if he opened him mouth again. The music filtered through the trees, filling the silence that they had created.

**Honestly,  
I didn't mean to cry so hard  
But the heartache was pouring in like rain  
I didn't mean to show I cared**

"Did you expect me to disregard everything. Welcome you back with open arms." Meredith's hand came up to wipe at the tears in vain but they continued to glisten across her smooth skin. "I haven't seen you in five years. How much have you changed? How much have I changed? We can't go back to the way it was. It's impossible, the space is to big"

"I don't want it to go back, I want to start again all together. With the flowers and the dates and the chaste first kisses. Just let me tell you my story. Because I have one…and I want to tell it. Not for your pity…just so you understand. Because I need you to understand Meredith. I need you, I need the smell of lavender, I need to see the ratty Dartmouth t-shirt in the mornings, I need your drunken tequila rants. I want that and more. I want you and everything the future holds"

All he was greeted with was a scoff of sarcastic laughter.

**Honestly,  
I didn't mean to laugh so loud  
But it just sounds so absurd  
To say that your want me, say that you need me  
After everything you've done**

"I'm being serious Meredith, please just listen" Derek pleaded, taking a step closer and grasping her wrist "Just listen"

**Really truly,  
I didn't mean to hurt you  
I just thought that maybe now  
We'd have better luck the second time around  
It's always better the second time, I hear**

"Alright, alright" Meredith retorted, tugging at her wrist in a hope he'd release it. But when he just gripped it tighter she gave up, giving into the feeling of warmth that spread up her arm at his touch.

"Ok" Derek said softly, claiming her eyes with his so that he kept her full attention "Yes I went back to New York with Addison. Yes she was pregnant. And yes I left you behind. But you asked me to. And please believe me when I say I regret listening to you that night." His fingers slipped down her wrist to interlace with her own, squeezing tightly "But New York was empty, it held nothing for me…and it doesn't anymore. I don't have a kid... Addison had a miscarriage in the seventh month. I was a mess. I had lost a child. And as much as I wanted to run back to you for comfort I had to stay. Addison was in as bad a shape as me, it would have been plain cruel to leave her so vulnerable. So I stayed. But it haunted me, I don't deal with things like that very well. I was torn up inside. I thought I was the reason, thought I had caused Addison to much stress, and that I was doing more harm than good." Derek's own eyes glassed over and Meredith's heart went out to him, her fingers wrapping tighter around his own.

"But I guess I wasn't the only one who was slowly being devoured by guilt" He sucked in a shaking breath and looked down at there entwined hands for strength. "It wasn't mine. Addison had used it as a ploy for me to stay with her. Four years she kept it a secret. I had never questioned the fact that it might not be mine …didn't think I had to. I don't think Mark knew either. Anyway, it was his. She just blurted it out one day…I met with the lawyers a week later. For the last year I've been picking up the pieces, putting myself back together. I was scattered Mer, I wasn't whole and before I saw you again I had to be complete again. I had to be strong enough to face you.

"I'm sorry Derek" Meredith said softly, realizing the last five years hadn't been a walk in the park for him either.

"You don't need to be sorry, you played no part in it." Derek stepped closer again, causing there breaths to mingle and collide " Just don't run away…ever"

**Find me in the evening  
When you're ready to dance  
and I will take you to the places  
Where you never thought you'd have a chance  
To love, love  
Love is all we have  
I will run myself in circles here without you**

Meredith nodded mutely and her hands slid up his chest, her fingers coming up to curl around the open collar of his shirt, the top button undone from when he'd discarded his tie. They both relaxed, just letting their bodies sway to the music.

**Please believe,  
That I tried my best to forget you  
But the memories keep flooding back like tears  
I didn't mean to fall in love**

"Will isn't my boyfriend" Meredith said softly into Derek's shoulder, bracing herself for when he withdrew his arms from around her and stepped back, with accusation burning deep into the clear blue orbs. But he didn't, all he did was hold her more securely, one hand playing with a strand of hair that trailed just past her shoulder blades.

"He isn't my boyfriend, he isn't my husband, he isn't anything…he's just Will"

"Just Will?" Derek asked skeptically as he pulled his head back a little to look at her. Meredith just nodded.

"Just Will…..he's just Will who was my next door neighbor when we moved to Boston. He's just Will who taught me to color with crayons instead of eat them. He's just Will who let me copy his math questions in grade 4. He's just Will who I followed to high school. He's just Will who followed me to college. He's just Will…my best friend, my brother…just Will"

"I can live with that" Derek soothed, calming her doubts that he would fly into a rage and the thought that she had used Will just to get to him, a small act of revenge "What about the little girl?"

"She's Will's, but she may as well be mine" A small smile that made Derek's pulse quicken slipped across her face as she thought about the child she'd helped raise.

"Where's her mother?"

"I'm hoping someplace better"

**Sitting here just waiting for this is torture  
I'm so glad you're far away  
Is that a terrible thing to say?  
But I wonder if you're okay**

They danced in silence for a minute but for some reason Meredith needed to continue with her truthful word vomit.

"I hated you Derek. I hated how I couldn't stop thinking about you. I hated that I was always wondering what you were doing. How you were doing. If you regretted. If you thought about me. If you were in as much pain as me…if you were feeling the way I did" Meredith fiddled with the button of his shirt, using it as a distraction so she would have to look up into his face. "For a few months I really hated you. And I'm sorry that I did. It was unfair and uncalled for but I couldn't help it"

"Doesn't matter. Who cares. I want to forget and never remember what has happened since I left" Derek knew it was an impossible feat. But he liked to say it. Liked to think he could just brush everything aside and continue on like nothing had transpired.

**Find me in the evening  
When you're ready to dance  
and I will take you to the places  
Where you never thought you'd have a chance  
To love, love  
Love is all we have  
I will run myself in circles here without you**

They had stopped their movement now and just stood, achingly close, in a breathless silence. Finally Meredith's arms moved from his shoulders to curl around his neck, pulling him closer in a desperate hug. It was an embrace that marked how long five years was. Neither had any intention of letting each other go, in case they did and the darkness swallowed them up while they grabbed at empty air. Because neither of them wanted to feel empty again. And holding each other this close and this tightly helped start to fill the void that had been created.

**I will run myself in circles here without you  
Oh I tried and tried  
And I can't hide from your love  
Darling it's too late  
To show me your intentions  
You know we've got to find a way  
To get pass all the implications  
Every situation, every complication  
That we've come from  
Love is all we have  
I will run myself in circles here without you**

It would be alright. Everything would be alright if they just never let go of each other again. If they never let go then they could make it.

**Darling love...love  
Love is all we have  
I will run myself in circles here without you**


	5. Steady As We Go

**_When Darkness Turns To Light_**

* * *

_Troubles they may come and go,  
But good times they are the gold.  
And if this road gets rocky girl,  
Just steady as we go._

* * *

The boxes hit the floor with a thump that echoed around the empty trailer, joining the other two already on the floor. That was my life, packed up in four boxes and a duffel bag. I didn't know what to think of that. Whether I should be happy or sad that all my worldly possessions were now sitting in front of me, ready to be unpacked.

I was home.

Meredith stepped around the box she had been carrying, running a hand softly along the trailer wall as she gazed around, reacquainting herself with the familiar space. This small action made me smile. She fitted into the trailer. When she walked into it she didn't look out of place or uncomfortable. Unlike Addison who seeped disgust and never seemed to gel right with the mood of the trailer. But Meredith did, just like she melted seamlessly into any other aspect of my life. It was like there had always been a place for her in it, just waiting for her to come along and fill it. And you don't know how grateful I am that she had.

The trailer already felt warmer and more welcoming just because Meredith was there, for the first time in forever. It immediately brought back memories, the happy memories of when Meredith would get out of the bed and dance around in the little room available, just to tease me as I would have much rather her stay curled up in my arms. But she found it amusing and usually so did I. I had a very fond memory of when one time she had tripped and gone sprawling sideways into one of the walls while trying to pull off a move. My laughter had been so uncontrollable that I hadn't even been able to help her up. I don't think Meredith saw as much hilarity in the situation as I had since my head was soon smothered by a pillow and heavy weight as she jumped on top of me. I always wondered where she found all her energy in the mornings.

I threw my keys onto the table where they landed with a jarring clatter. It seemed to snap Meredith out of it and she withdrew her hand from the wall, instead leaning down and picking up the box I knew was filled with books and medical journals. Without meeting my eyes she moved into the bedroom area and sat down onto the floor, crossing her legs and setting the box beside her. Flipping her hair over her shoulder she then proceeded to unpack them, placing them carefully into the small cupboard she knew I had always kept them in. I knew I shouldn't be surprised but I was, by how well she knew me and my habits. Well at least my old habits. I don't know if any of them had changed. I hope they hadn't. For that matter I didn't know if any of Meredith's had changed either, whether she had changed. But standing there, watching her, I highly doubted there was much that was different about her.

I stooped down, my hand fastening around the straps on the duffel bag that was full of my clothes. I stepped forward and swung it onto the bed, carefully edging around Meredith to get to the draws and hanging space. We unpacked in silence for awhile. I stole glances at any opportunity. I couldn't believe how nervous I was. I hadn't even kissed her yet. We were pulled away by the toasts and I got barely another second with her. It was a chaste kiss on the cheek before she disappeared into the car with Izzie at the end of the night. And now she was sitting less than a meter from me, while my hands were sweaty and I was close to stuttering whenever I opened my mouth to try and speak. Lucky for me Meredith decided to speak first.

"I came out here sometimes you know" She said as she took another book from the box, turning it around in her hand. I tossed a pair of socks into the draw but didn't move to pick up anything else, just tilted my head slightly so I could see her out of the corner of my eye.

"There was never a For Sale sign up, I figured the land was still yours so…I just came in." Meredith let her shoulders slump backwards as she looked up at the ceiling "I would sit on the deck or wander down to the creek, sometimes to cry" She let out a soft laugh as she smiled faintly, her eyes coming down to once again look at the book in her hand "But it became more like my place to think. It was so peaceful and I could just….let myself go. All my problems would float off with the wind and I could just be…me. Just Meredith. With no other baggage or complications. That's what this place does for me, I feel more alive here than anywhere else."

I let myself sink backwards so that I was now sitting on the bed, staring down at my clasped hands. I swear that this place was magical, it had hooked me in, put me under it's spell so that I would never want to leave it, and the same spell seemed to have captured Meredith.

"I missed it like crazy. I had loved New York but now, after living here, all I feel when I go there is trapped. It's not the same. This place gets to you and draws you in. That's why I didn't sell it, I don't think I ever could."

Meredith didn't reply as I picked up the bag and just emptied it into the draws haphazardly, not caring about the mess it made of all the folded clothes. It didn't matter. Because I was here, in the trailer, and in the trailer things like that, they didn't matter. Not everything had to be perfect and neat, it could just, as Meredith put it, it could just be.

"I've never read it" Meredith said turning to me and holding up the book she'd been holding, the last one in the box. I recognized the cover immediately. The Sun Also Rises. "I don't know why, guess it's never grabbed my attention till now"

"Take it. I don't need it right now anyway" She nodded and stood up, moving back out to the other boxes, placing the book on the table as she went. I followed and quickly placed my hand on her arm gently as she reached for something else to unpack.

"Leave it, I'll do it later"

"Alright"

All that I could offer her was water, seeing as there was nothing else in the fridge or cupboards. So we sat at the table across from one another with glasses in hand, looking around constantly in an attempt to not meet the others eyes.

We sat in silence for awhile. I couldn't quite figure out if it was an awkward or comfortable silence. Which ever it was Meredith seemed determined not to break it. Reaching to the end of the table Meredith pulled a notepad and pen towards her. She scribbled a word across it then pushed it across to me, grinning widely.

_Pizza?_

I pulled a face at the thought of the greasy food. But it was only the early afternoon, I had plenty of time to convince her to let me go out and get a few things to make something healthy and wholesome. Something told me she'd lived off pizza for the last five years. Well that was about to change.

_Maybe_

She scowled down at the pad of paper and scrawled a sad face across it, sending it flying across the table at me with great force. My hand came down on it, stopping it abruptly in front of me. I spun it around to write on it, shaking my head at the absurdity of the situation. We were two grown adults. Sitting across a table from one another. Passing notes.

But sometimes writing was easier than talking. Words flowed from a pen more smoothly than from the mouth in moments like these. I didn't realize then that this writing notes thing would become a common occurrence between the two of us. On that day I didn't realize a lot of things.

_Come for a walk?_

It was her turn to pull a face as she read my writing, pure doctor's scribble. It just happened, you could have perfectly neat writing but it was inevitable as a doctor for that to turn into a messy scrawl. When you were rushing around trying to do things as quickly as possible the last thing on your mind was writing neatly.

_Exercise!?!_

I looked up at her grinning as she shook her head with a disapproving pout. I sent the paper back and watched in growing amusement as her pout turned into a scowl. I was up and out of the trailer before she could retaliate, knowing she would follow.

_Come on, you need it_

She obviously hadn't found it as amusing as I had.

"Derek Shepherd you are rude!" Meredith said as she burst out of the door after me.

"I was just kidding" I said rolling my eyes as she marched her tiny form up to me across the grass, bestowing me with a hard wack on the shoulder.

"Ouch" I mocked her sarcastically. She continued to glare at me before turning on her heel and starting off down the track at a brisk pace. I had to jog to catch up with her again.

"Looks like someone needs to lose some pounds" She said with a raised eyebrow as I drew level with her.

"Ha Ha" I muttered, pushing her off the track slightly. Her reply was to push me back.

We called it a truce and walked side by side for a few minutes. It felt so much better to be out here again. I felt so calm and content. It almost made me forget that I had been away until Meredith brought me back to reality again.

"I see my father now" She swung the stick she had picked up over a blade of long grass, taking off the tip with one graceful swoop. "At least once every two weeks I go over there and have dinner, or lunch or breakfast. Depending on what my shift allows. Its….its good. I know the full story now and I can't blame him. He tried to come back and see me but my mother wouldn't let him. At least now I know he tried."

We had been doing this for about a week now, ever since the wedding. Spilling little bits of information, little stories about what the last 5 years had contained. This was the first time face to face though. All our other conversations had been over the phone while I finished up things in New York. We had called each other every day, sometimes playing phone tag because of Meredith's shifts. But we had managed to talk at least once a day, sometimes for hours.

"I punched Mark again" I shoved my hands deeper into my pockets as we forked off to the track leading down to the creek, my turn to spill a story "I thought he knew about the baby. Thought he knew it was his and that he hadn't told me. Turns out he didn't. We're ok now. He has a new girlfriend, been dating for around a year now, a new record for him. I don't think he talks to Addison anymore, he feels as betrayed as I did about her keeping it a secret I guess"

"Its good. That your ok again. You shouldn't throw away a friendship that has lasted most of your life"

I nodded as we stopped by the creek, Meredith letting the stick fly from her hand and fall in an arch into the water, moving steadily downstream. I didn't know what was going through Meredith's head but I knew what was going through mine now that she stood so close next to me, with our shoulders brushing. We had agreed to take a step back. To work out and untangle the mess that was our feelings. We had agreed to just be friends for awhile. Because that worked so well last time. Ooops sarcasm. But the thoughts running through my head, were definitely not fitting for friends. This wasn't going to work.

I was distracted from these thoughts by the warmth of her arm leaving mine. Turning my head I watched in puzzlement as Meredith wandered over to a tree a couple of meters away. I realized what she was doing when she reached up and secured her hand around a small thick branch just above her head.

"Your not seriously going to climb it" She didn't answer, instead she just hoisted herself up onto the first limb that would hold her weight. "You'll fall and break you're neck!"

It was a big tree, obviously old, with a lot of thick, sturdy branches. It did look fantastic to climb. I just didn't expect Meredith to be the one to point it out. I watched as she climbed with ease and practise, like she'd done it a million times before. My suspicions rose.

"It's a good thing I've got a doctor standing below me" Meredith said as she grinned down at me before lifting herself on another branch. It was then that I noticed the planks of wood spread out and tied across two branches that forked out at the same level, creating a platform. Now it made sense why it looked like Meredith could climb up with her eyes closed.

"When you said you came down to the creek….this is where you came isn't it?" I called up to her. She nodded and motioned for me to follow her up. It took me a little longer but finally I was up on the wood next to her.

"Ok, maybe I lied. I didn't just come here sometimes. I came a lot" Meredith said softly as she glanced down at her hands "But it was better than drinking my time away at Joe's"

"So…you climbed a tree?" I asked confused about why she would go to all this effort just for somewhere to sit.

"I had a tree house when I little, my dad made it for me. I loved it, being up high, like you were separated from the rest of the world. It was also my place to escape, a place to go when my parents fought or I just wanted to be alone" She lifted her eyes from her hands but gazed outwards, to where you could see the sun lowering slowly over the tops of the other trees "I needed somewhere to escape Derek."

"So you climbed a tree" I said again but this time in understanding.

"Yeah. Tilly likes it up here to"

"You brought her out here?"

"Ahhuh, I baby sit her a lot, we'd bring pizza and ice cream up"

"What if she fell off!" I said, a note of panic in my voice.

"She won't, she's not stupid and I wouldn't let her. Your so paranoid Derek" She started to smile and giggle at my worried expression. I felt it lift from my face as she laughed, the sound carrying in the stillness of the afternoon. I don't know how long we sat, saying very little…just living in the moment, but it must have been an hour or two because the light started to fade and the sky turned brilliant streaks of orange, pink and purple. Everything around us softened and Meredith looked so peaceful and serene as she leaned back on the palm of her hands, looking up at the sky, that I couldn't turn my gaze anywhere else.

"So hows it feel to be back" She asked quietly, her eyes still trained on the colors.

"Meredith…" I couldn't help myself. The sound of my voice was low and hoarse causing her to turn her head and as she did my hand reached out to caress her cheek. I leaned forward and my other hand tucked a strand of hair behind her ear as I lowered my lips to hers.


End file.
